Tomato Garden

very thoughtful story...

An old man lived alone. He wanted to plant his annual
tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Son,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden
plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would
be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
DON'T DIG UP THAT GARDEN!!!! That's where the cash from the robbery is.
Love,
Your Son


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up
the entire area without finding any money. They apologized to the
old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do.

Love you, Your son

IT Technical Support

A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy

Dear Tech Support ,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1 .

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2. 6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5..3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________
Reply

DEAR Madam,


First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5..

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1 .
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

English is a very difficult language - FOR SOME!

I dont know if you will find it funny...
my friend just forwarded this news clip to me.

GM (General Motors) VS. Microsoft

A friend forwarded this to my email today and i was laughing my ass out after reading it.

-----

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.”

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation” warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask, “Are you sure?” before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lift the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.

GIRLS DIARY V/S BOYS DIARY

HER DIARY

Day night, I thought he was acting
weird. We had made
plans to meet at a
cafe to have some coffee. I was
shopping with my friends
all day long, soI
thought he was upset at the fact that I
was
a bit
late,

but he made no

comment.Conversation wasn't flowing so

I suggested that

we go somewhere

quiet so we could talk, he agreed but


he kept quiet and

absent.I

Asked

him what was wrong - he
said,

"Nothing."I asked him if

it was my fault

that he was upset. He said it
had

nothing to do with me

and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I
loved

him, he simply

smiled and kept

driving. I can't explain his

behavior; I don't know

why he didn't say,

"I love u, too."When we got home I felt

as if I had lost

him, as if he

wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat

there and watched TV.

He seemed distant and absent.Finally I

decided to go to

bed. About 10

minutes later he came to bed. I decided

that I could not

take it anymore,

so I decided to confront him with the

situation but he

had fallen asleep.I

started crying and cried until I too


fell asleep. I


don't know what to


do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts

are with someone

else. My life is a

disaster.

HIS DIARY

Today India lost the cricket match

against Pakistan .

DAAM IT.



NOW that's called

Simplicity of Men
Vs
Complexity of Women !!!

funny clean wife jokes

I read this in one of the forums that i frequent visit.

_____________________________

God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said, "I've got nobody to talk to."

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

God said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit that she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like that cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history.....

AFL funeral

It’s the AFL Grand Final and a man makes his way to his seat right on the wing. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.

’No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’

’This is incredible’, said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the AFL Grand Final and not use it?’

The neighbour says, ‘Well actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Grand Final we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.’

’Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?’

The man shakes his head.

’No, they’re all at the funeral.’

How to effectively tick people off.

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

The priest's vacation

My brother forwarded this joke to me... read on...

-----

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store
and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their “tourist” garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs,

enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a
“drop dead gorgeous” blonde in a topless bikini
came walking straight towards them.
They couldn’t help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said
“Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,”
nodding and addressing each of them individually,
then she passed on by.
They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store
and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde,
wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time,
came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said

“Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,”
and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn’t stand it any longer and said,
“Just a minute, young lady.” “Yes, Father?”
“We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know,
how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?”
She replied,

Are my testicles black?

--- Brought to you by your Global Funny Folder ---

>> A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
>> mask over
>> his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a
>> partial
>> sponge bath.
>> Nurse’, he mumbles, from behind the mask. ‘Are my testicles black?’
>> Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, ‘I don’t know, Sir. I’m only
>> here to
>> wash your upper body and feet.’
>> He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, please check. Are my testicles
>> black?’
>> Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from
>> worry
>> about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back
>> the
>> covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his
>> testicles
>> in the other.
>> Then, she takes a close look and says, There’s nothing wrong with
>> them,
>> Sir!’
>> The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very
>> slowly,
>> ‘Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
>> closely......
>> A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

A whole year of Blonde Jokes

A Blonde’s Year in Review:

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won’t fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said “2-4
years!”

April
Trapped on escalator for hours ... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid ..... instructions wrong.....8 cups of

water won’t fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.. ...

car swamped because convertible top was down.

September
The capital of California is “C”.....isn’t it???

October

Hate M & M’s.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ..

Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn’t call 911 . “duh”.....there’s no “eleven” button on the stupid

phone!!!

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR -

SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female
neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again,
opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,
marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is!”

(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)

“My stupid computer keeps saying,

“YOU’VE GOT MAIL!“

Christmas Joke

For those who still wish that it's still Christmas here's a short joke for you!

-----
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.’In honor of this holy season’ Saint Peter said, ‘You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.’The man from Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ‘It represents a candle’, he said.’You may pass through the pearly gates’ Saint Peter said. The man from Saskatchewan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ‘They’re bells.’Saint Peter said ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’.The Newfoundlander started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ‘And just what do those symbolize?’The Newfie replied, ‘These are Carols.’ And So The Christmas SeasonBegins......

Putting Your Affairs in Order

A friend forwarded this email to me this morning and i want to share it with all of you... read on...

________

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed
and said, ‘I’ve some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your
affairs in order.’

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the
waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

’Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we
celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t
well. I have cancer.

Let’s head to the club and have a martini.’

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There
were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by
some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two
were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end.
‘I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.’

The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.

After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered,
‘Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told
your friends you were dying of AIDS.’

The woman said, ‘I don’t want any of them sleeping with your father
after I’m gone.’

Now, that’s ‘Putting Your Affairs In Order’

-----

Why did the Chicken cross the road?": Answers from the experts.

Why did the Chicken cross the road?": Answers from the experts.

OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change!
The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MCCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he
recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the
chickens on the other side of the road.

SARAH PALIN: You betcha he crossed the road, but let's not talk about
that, let's talk about energy policy, and how gosh darn hard it is for
a middle-class hockey mom to manage the budget of the only state in
America with a massive surplus, especially while surrounded by
countless Russian and Canadian chickens we have to keep an eye on.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that
little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely
qualified to ensure - right from day one! - that every chicken in this
country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or
not. The chicken is either "for us or agin' us." There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the
satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken...What is
your definition of crossing?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am
now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about
the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which
is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the
chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of
life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive
across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken,
but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You
can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain... alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the
plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my
friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will
become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this
abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
together, in peace.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the
road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Joke of the day: Children’s Science Exam

If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children’s science exam answers…

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!)

A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs..

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death..

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts — the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does ‘varicose’ mean? (I do love this one…)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarian Section.’
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome .

Q: What does the word ‘benign’ mean?’
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Joke of the day: Bragging about My Children

At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children’s world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a year-long research project in India.

One co-worker’s quip, however, stopped me short. “What is it about you,” he asked, “that makes your kids want to get so far away?”

dumb question

I read this story from a forum i joined recently...

The next time someone asks you a dumb question, wouldn't you like to respond like this?

Yesterday, I was at my local Wal-Mart, buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had: an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask older or retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHOLOGICALLY CHALLENGED

* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

* 5. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - - - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells , Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

Joke of the day: Chinese call center

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?

Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone.You can speak to me. Who is this?

Caller : I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator : Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Ree.

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree ..

Caller: Oh ......God!!!

Joke of the day: Funny Banner Sign

A Banner cum Sign Board In front of an IT company..
Drive Slowly, Don't kill our Employee.... . Leave them to us