AFL funeral

It’s the AFL Grand Final and a man makes his way to his seat right on the wing. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.

’No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’

’This is incredible’, said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the AFL Grand Final and not use it?’

The neighbour says, ‘Well actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Grand Final we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.’

’Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?’

The man shakes his head.

’No, they’re all at the funeral.’

How to effectively tick people off.

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

The priest's vacation

My brother forwarded this joke to me... read on...

-----

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store
and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their “tourist” garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs,

enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a
“drop dead gorgeous” blonde in a topless bikini
came walking straight towards them.
They couldn’t help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said
“Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,”
nodding and addressing each of them individually,
then she passed on by.
They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store
and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde,
wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time,
came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said

“Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,”
and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn’t stand it any longer and said,
“Just a minute, young lady.” “Yes, Father?”
“We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know,
how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?”
She replied,

Are my testicles black?

--- Brought to you by your Global Funny Folder ---

>> A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
>> mask over
>> his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a
>> partial
>> sponge bath.
>> Nurse’, he mumbles, from behind the mask. ‘Are my testicles black?’
>> Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, ‘I don’t know, Sir. I’m only
>> here to
>> wash your upper body and feet.’
>> He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, please check. Are my testicles
>> black?’
>> Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from
>> worry
>> about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back
>> the
>> covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his
>> testicles
>> in the other.
>> Then, she takes a close look and says, There’s nothing wrong with
>> them,
>> Sir!’
>> The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very
>> slowly,
>> ‘Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
>> closely......
>> A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

A kid's whatever

A kid saying whatever... funny and cute...

A whole year of Blonde Jokes

A Blonde’s Year in Review:

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won’t fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said “2-4
years!”

April
Trapped on escalator for hours ... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid ..... instructions wrong.....8 cups of

water won’t fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.. ...

car swamped because convertible top was down.

September
The capital of California is “C”.....isn’t it???

October

Hate M & M’s.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ..

Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn’t call 911 . “duh”.....there’s no “eleven” button on the stupid

phone!!!

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR -

SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female
neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again,
opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,
marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is!”

(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)

“My stupid computer keeps saying,

“YOU’VE GOT MAIL!“